Her story.... Profile article

On the outside, she has a look of sheer confidence and she seems little bothered, if at all, about anyone else’s opinion of her. “I initially chose Rhodes because of its’ excellent reputation for Drama and the performing arts,” Deborah tells me with an excited look and a hint of hopefulness in her voice.”But when the reality finally became a reality, I had no real choice but to forget about studying Drama.” Her story seems almost too common, where a young hopeful goes to university in hopes of studying something she is passionate about but ends up studying what society claims to be more beneficial.
Three terms gone and she still has an emptiness she can’t even begin to describe. The main reason being the academic reason she thought she’d be fulfilling here. “ I picked subjects by only thinking of the possible career paths that would be open for me in future, and I also decided on two “arbs”, not knowing of course, that they would be everything but “arb”. Her arbitrary subjects of choice were Introduction to Philosophy and Journalism and Media Studies one. As an excellent academic high school graduate, academic challenge was the last thing she expected. “Since work was fairly easy for me in the first term, I decided it’d be fun to just live a little while I’m here. I mean hey, I will be spending nine months of every year here, but that didn’t work out the way I’d hope it would.” Nights out at club Equilibrium are not a regular thing for her, neither are parties or pre-drinks sessions at friend’s residences. Instead Deborah spends most of her nights alone in her room, contemplating options out of her academic hell or just sleeping. Throughout third term, she spent approximately 13hours in her room and of those, she says, at least eleven sleeping. “ I wasn’t surprised at all when days would literally come and go for me. I figured I was falling again, and so I just let it be because for someone like me, there is absolutely no point in trying to ‘fight’ it.” Falling, she says. She first “fell” (her own words) back in 2003. Even after months and months of intensive therapy and anti-depressants, she would find herself “falling” once again occasionally. Since 2003, six whole months haven’t gone past where she doesn’t “fall” for at least a month or two. “It’s hereditary”, she soon explains, after realising that her choice of words could be a bit ambiguous. “Major neurological imbalances cause me to fall, as in almost literally, hit rock bottom with my clinical depression.” She admits that a part of her chose Rhodes because of its relatively small size. “Small places make me more comfortable, because if I end up crying for help, someone will hear my call.” A hint of desperation in her eyes, she leaves this idea of “calling for help” open to interpretation. I suppose the more open minded reader can understand the suicidal implications.
“No, I never actually feel like doing it again.” Her simple response when I asked her if, after her three failed attempts since 2003, she has considered suicide again. In her eyes, it is not worth it. “Not because people say it’s selfish to try to take my own life, but because I feel I have exhausted any practical methods available to me. So I’m just planning to live it out, yes, even with those mornings that come so often when my body just refuses to get out of bed and really live.” Her academic situation is of course, heavily affected by this. And although she appreciates all that her parents have done to get her this far, she has no intention of wasting their money and disappointing them. “So I do all the living I can, even if I just manage to have one full day of academic attendance and social living a week. For me, right now, it’s enough that I’m still living.”

**Writer’s note: I decided to go with this story because I personally value the fact that she still believes in living, although a faint belief, but she still has it. So this might not be the story of a typical “hero”, but it has strong elements of a “survivor” and a hero, because she chooses life every single day.